


Chase the Rainbow.

by BarPurple



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Supernatural
Genre: Adult Content, Gen, Implied Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-11 23:45:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7075573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarPurple/pseuds/BarPurple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Death successfully faked Balthazar is ready for some fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chase the Rainbow.

Mrs Palm’s House of Negotiable Affection was an establishment of excellent repute. Located at the end of an unremarkable ally in the Shades it offered all manner of delights and could boast a high profile clientele, (not that anyone would boast about that sort of thing, discretion was a corner stone of the Guild of Seamstresses after all). Included among this unconfirmed clientele were gods, lords, guild masters and on occasion some of the better mannered supernatural beings that enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh.

After successfully faking his death Balthazar had woken on the Discworld, a little disorientated but breathing and without an angel blade shaped hole in his chest. The plans he’d put in place had all worked beautifully; his new life would be one of comfort and extravagance. After spending the afternoon looking at some of the more lavish properties for rent just off Scoone Avenue he was ready to celebrate his continued existence in a more carnal manner. With that in mind he’d carefully asked the estate agent where a new comer might find a bit of fun. The little balding man had nodded briskly and handed him a copy of the Guide to Ankh Morpork. 

“If sir would turn his attention to page sixteen? Might I suggest that a gentleman of sir’s standing might like to sample the delights of Mrs Palm’s.” 

Balthazar’s eyebrow rose as he scanned the tasteful yet blatant adverts.

“The whorehouses advertise in the official city tour guide?”

The estate agent pursed his lips and took a small step away from his client. He gave this newcomer a five minute lifespan in the Shades, three and a half if one of the Agony Aunts was close by, but a commission only counted if the customer signed the paperwork. 

“If sir wishes to keep two functioning legs I would suggest he does not use that word in the hearing of Mrs Palm. We call them, polite cough ‘seamstresses’ here.”

The former angel of the Lord blinked; this man had actually said the words ‘polite cough’, how very strange. Oh well the advice was probably sound. The whole point of his relocation to this pancake flat world was to blend in, not a good idea to draw attention by making a silly mistake right out of the gate.

“Of course, of course, forgive my lack of tact. I had a very long journey to get here.”

The estate agent looked mollified enough and his oily smile slid back into place as Balthazar pulled a fat purse of coins from his coat and asked where he should sign. The rental agreement taken care of Balthazar washed and changed, (he was going to miss power showers) and sauntered across the river to the Shades for a bit of fun.

 

He hadn’t expected much when he found the address listed in the Guide, but had to admit that the trip down the dim alley lent a certain grubby allure to the experience. Once inside he whistled under his breath, gilt and plush velvet was the theme of the décor that hovered between opulent and tasteless. A scantily clad smiling hostess greeted him, and judging by the slight narrowing of her eyes, put a price tag on everything he was wearing.

“First time, sweetie?”

He’d turned on all of his lascivious charm and said with a wink; “First time here at least.”

“Wonderful, why don’t I get you a drink why you peruse the menu?”

He let himself be guided to a booth and poured a whiskey. After a thorough examination of the menu he waved the hostess back over.

“I’d like Cherry, Indigo and Violet please. Almost a whole rainbow.”

The hostess giggled at him; “You’re the second gentleman this evening to say that. Unfortunately those three girls are already engaged for the night, but Chastity, Nancy and Mags have similar charms.”

Balthazar shrugged, but nodded to the hostess. Any disappointment he felt at not getting his first choice evaporated at the sight of the three lovelies who sashayed towards him in response to the hostess’s signal.  
“Good evening ladies.”  
Feeling happier than he had since he met a pair of plaid obsessed brothers he let himself be led upstairs.

It had all been going so well until he heard the shout from the adjoining room. Up until then the muffled giggles, moans and such had been mere background noise, the sort of sound track one expected in this sort of place, but when the bloke raised his voice Balthazar had stopped.

“Come on girls! I want to taste the rainbow!”

It couldn’t be. There was simply no way, but he’d managed to escape Earth hadn’t he? With a heavy sigh Balthazar disentangled himself from various limbs and shrugged himself into a robe  
.  
“I won’t be a moment ladies. Just got to check on something.”

The girls gave him perfect pouts and told him to hurry back. The door to the next room was locked as expected. Balthazar rolled his shoulders and concentrated. Obviously he didn’t have access to Heaven’s Grace in this realm, but the whole of the Disc was drowning in magic, it only took a second to channel it and pop the door open. He stepped into the room and tilted his head at the interesting tangle of limbs on the bed. The only male looked up and gave him a panicked grin.

“What in Dad’s name are you doing here?!”

All Balthazar could do was throw his head back and laugh, much to the annoyance of Gabriel.

The part rainbow that had been thoroughly attending to Gabriel’s ever whim rushed from the room when the two men started throwing punches at each other.

 

Before there was a Guild of Seamstresses the ladies of negotiable affection had protection in the form of the Agony Aunts. Dotsie and Sadie were a legend in their own right and there were still several old men in the city that went pale at the sight of a duck head umbrella handle. Once the Guild was formed the Aunts had become the official peacekeeping force. Over the years they had trained up a new generation of girls, it was a little known career path within the Guild, but it was amazing how many of the skills overlapped. When the fight broke out the new Aunts on duty had appeared and begun to settle things down. Betty, the senior Aunt on duty, gleaned from their yelling that they were brothers and far too caught up in their own family dispute to be concerned by the arrival of the Aunts. The Aunts took this in their stride and applied a few precise blows to the gentlemen’s skulls with their duck headed umbrellas*. This didn’t have the usual effect of sending the men to Sleepytown. Betty growled and gave Jo-Jo the nod. Jo-Jo was a witch, the first one to become an Agony Aunt, but with the increase of supernatural beings enjoying the services of Mrs Palm’s House a very welcome addition to the ranks. A simple incantation knocked the men out and let the Aunts secure them and drag them, none too gently, downstairs to Mrs Palm’s office.  
Balthazar blinked awake with a groan. Trying to rub his aching head revealed the solid looking hand cuffs securing him to the chair.

“Do we have to pay extra for this? I don’t mind at all, but I’d rather be conscious to enjoy it properly.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes at his brother; “Shut up you sack of dicks! Do you have any idea how much trouble we’re in?”

“For fighting in a whorehouse?”

Balthazar was surprised as Gabe braced his feet against the floor and shuffled his chair sideways.

“I’m not with him. He might be my brother, but I’m not with him.”

A gentle chuckle drifted from the dark corner of the room. The shadow shifted and stepped into the light. Mrs Palm was dressed in scarlet this evening, the cut of her gown masterfully suggesting all of the soft, warm pleasures that her establishment was famous for, but at the moment her eyes were hard as flint.

“Very sensible of you Mister Lowkey,” Balthazar snorted at Gabe’s chosen surname and brought himself under the gaze of Mrs Palm, “Mister Smith, this is your first visit here and you’ve managed to break many rules in less than an hour.”

A voice from behind the angels growled softly; “We do not tolerate rule breaking here.”

Balthazar craned his head round but could only glimpse a carved umbrella handle in the gloom. For some reason the sight of the cheerful looking duck sent a shiver down his spine. He turned back to Mrs Palm and gave her his best smile.

“My dear lady, I apologise whole heartedly for the disturbance. My brother and I had been estranged for many years and finding him here tonight overrode my sense of decorum.”

Mrs Palm didn’t look at all impressed by his gracious words. Gabe sighed; he was more familiar with the mind of Rosemary Palm and knew damn well that pretty words rarely got anyone far.

“Would five thousand dollars sort this mess out?”

They could almost see the abacus working in Mrs Palm’s mind.

“Yes I believe that will do nicely. Once payment is received you gentlemen will be welcome to enjoy our hospitality again, and if payment isn’t received…”

Mrs Palm looked into the shadow behind them; there was a rustling sound that suggested an umbrella had just been unfurled. Before Balthazar to put his foot in it Gabe hastily gulped and rapidly nodded.

“We understand, no need to let the Aunts play, the money will be here in the morning, first thing in the morning.”

A pleasant smile spread across Mrs Palm’s face; “As it should be. Now if you gentlemen would care to dress before you leave.”

They were released from the cuffs by one of the Aunts and dressed in silence and left hurriedly by the back door. They were several streets away before Gabe blew out a relieved breath and Balthazar felt it was time to ask a few questions.

“Are you really going to pay her?”

“Hell yeah. You don’t want to know what the Agony Aunts will do to us if we don’t. You’re not twisted enough to enjoy that, hell even I’m not twisted enough to enjoy that”

 

*Dotsie’s weapon of choice had become a badge of honour and a trademark for the new Aunts. Many new Aunts shed a few tears when they were given their own brolly, which was appropriate since in the hands of a well-trained Agony Aunt that brolly could bring tears to the eyes of many an unwise gentleman.


End file.
